Five Secrets of Effective Communication Part 4:“I Feel” Statements

In this series of blog posts, I have been discussing the Five Secrets of Effective Communication— powerful skills to help make relationships closer and more satisfying. Previously, I have written about The Disarming Technique, Thought and Feeling Empathy, and Inquiry. In this post, I am discussing the fourth secret: “I Feel” Statements.

The Five Secrets are a part of the Interpersonal Model of TEAM-CBT. In this model we use the Five Secrets of Effective Communication, which can be easily understood within the EAR framework (Empathy, Assertiveness and Respect). The first three secrets fall into the category of E = Empathy: The Disarming Technique, Thought and Feeling Empathy, and Inquiry. Next, we have A = Assertiveness. The secret that falls into this category is “I Feel” Statements. It’s important to note that we are not talking about “Assertiveness Training,” where we stand up for or defend ourselves. When we say “Assertiveness” we mean being open and honest about our own feelings. This involves saying things like “I’m feeling sad,” or “I’m angry right now.” It’s best to keep “I Feel” Statements simple, specific and limited to emotion words, like happy, sad, frustrated, scared, depressed, anxious, etc. A common error most people make is to say a thought when trying to express an emotion. For example, I might say to someone “I feel like you never listen to me!” This is actually a thought, not a feeling. When I tell myself “You never listen to me,” that probably makes me feel things like angry, hurt, sad, frustrated, lonely, or resentful. So, if I am going to share my feelings openly with someone I care about, I’ll be more successful if I use “I” statements rather than “you” statements, and if I share my actual feelings.

But, why? Why is it important to share our feelings openly and honestly? I think it’s important to keep in mind that the Five Secrets are not a guide for how to communicate with everyone at all times. These powerful tools are meant to be used with very important people in our lives with whom we want to have closer, more intimate relationships. We use “I Feel” Statements to openly and honestly share our most personal, sometimes vulnerable and tender feelings with people we care about. Hiding our honest feelings can put up a barrier between ourselves and the people we love. Sharing feelings, even negative feelings, openly, honestly and respectfully can bring us closer and help make our relationships more intimate and satisfying.

The Five Secrets of Effective Communication were created by Dr. David Burns and are taught beautifully in his book “Feeling Good Together.” You can learn a lot about the Five Secrets, and other TEAM-CBT tools, at Dr. Burns’ website: www.feeling good.com.

Are you interested in working with me to create closer, more satisfying relationships? The first step is to schedule a free consultation by clicking here.

Five Secrets of Effective Communication-Part 3: Inquiry

I’m continuing a series of blog posts about the Five Secrets of Effective Communication. Please see my previous posts for an explanation of what the Five Secrets are. I will continue now with the third secret, Inquiry.

Inquiry involves asking gentle probing questions to invite the other person to open up and tell you more about their feelings. This can be very difficult to do, especially when the other person is mad at you! Yet, inquiry is a powerful and important method for turning a conflict into an opportunity for getting closer to another person. We are saying to someone we love, “I care about you so much that I want to know more about your feelings—even the negative feelings you have about me. I’m willing to listen and hear more about what it’s been like for you to have me do the things you don’t like.” There is something very loving and respectful about this!

In previous posts about the Five Secrets, I used the example of a patient who has said to me “Sometimes it seems like you don’t like me very much.” Before effective communication training, I probably would have started out by saying “I’m sorry!” This, however would probably be a big mistake. Certainly, apologizing can be very important, but there is a reason apologizing is not one of the Five Secrets. This is because apologizing is a conversation ender. When someone tells me they are unhappy with me and I say “I’m sorry,” I’m kind of saying “I’m uncomfortable! I just want to apologize and stop talking about this.” A much more effective form of communicating would be to use Inquiry. Let’s go back to my example of the therapy patient who is unhappy with me. Instead of apologizing, I could say “I think your thoughts about this are really important and I want to know more. Please tell me what it’s been like to have me do such a terrible job of listening to you.”

Inquiry is an important key to taking a moment of conflict and transforming it into an opportunity for greater intimacy. It works so well because it is the opposite of problem-solving. As Dr. Burns writes in his book Feeling Good Together, “The urge to solve problems is the cause of most relationship problems. The refusal to solve problems is usually the solution.” With my therapy patient example, if I jumped to solving the problem of giving my patient the impression that I don’t like them very much, I will probably just make things worse. To build a closer relationship with this patient, I can use the Five Secrets of Effective Communication. So far, I have written about three of the five secrets: 1) The Disarming Technique, 2) Thought and Feeling Empathy, and 3) Inquiry. Here is how I could respond to my unhappy patient using these three of the Five Secrets:

Patient: Sometimes, it seems like you don’t like me very much.

Therapist: Oh, wow. You just said that sometimes it seems like I don’t like you very much (Thought Empathy). I imagine you’re probably feeling pretty upset with me right now (Feeling Empathy). I think I have done a really bad job of listening to you, understanding you and giving you the empathy and support you need from your therapist. I agree that I have behaved as if I don’t like you very much (Disarming Technique). You may be feeling pretty unhappy, irritated or hurt (Feeling Empathy). Am I getting any of this right? Please tell me more about what this has been like for you. (Inquiry)”

Hopefully, you can see that by using these three of the Five Secrets, I’ve responded in a more effective way than how I typically would have responded before effective communication training. Here is an example of an ineffective response:

Patient: Sometimes, it seems like you don’t like me very much.

Therapist: Oh, that’s not true— I do like you! I’m sorry I made you think I don’t. What can I do better to help you see that I like you very much?

In this version, I’m focusing too much on solving the problem and I definitely don’t want to hear more about how I’ve hurt this person.

In my next post, I will introduce the fourth secret— “I Feel” Statements.

Are you interested in learning more about how you could use the Five Secrets of Effective Communication to build closer, more satisfying personal relationships? You can schedule a free consultation with me to learn more about the relationship counseling I do by clicking here.

Five Secrets of Effective Communication-Part 2: Thought and Feeling Empathy

Previously, I wrote about the Interpersonal Model of TEAM Therapy, and how we can use Empathy, Assertiveness and Respect with the Five Secrets of Effective Communication to transform unsatisfying relationships of conflict and pain into close, more intimate, deeply satisfying relationships. Please read my previous posts to learn more about Talking with your EAR and The Disarming Technique. Today, I am continuing to explore E = Empathy of the EAR model by looking at the second of the Five Secrets of Effective Communication: Thought and Feeling Empathy.

First, let’s talk bout what I mean by empathy. When I talk about empathy, I mean the ability to put oneself in the shoes of another person and see the world from their point of view. When using The Five Secrets, Dr. David Burns, renowned psychiatrist and author of “Feeling Good Together,” separates empathy into two types— Thought Empathy and Feeling Empathy. Thought Empathy involves listening to another person so well that you could repeat what they have said with at least 95% accuracy. This is very different than what most people do, especially when we are in the heat of an argument with another person. Usually, if we are in conflict, especially if the other person is criticizing us, we are probably thinking of ways to defend ourselves and are really just waiting for a pause in what the other person is saying so we can jump in to defend ourselves and point out that the other person is wrong. With Thought Empathy, we are making a focused effort to do something very different— to be able to repeat back to another person exactly what they have said to us, without any interpretation or attempt to change their minds. This helps the other person know that we understand where they are coming from, or that we are at least making the effort to really hear them because of a sincere interest in really understanding them. Feeling Empathy involves imagining what the other person is probably feeling given what they have just said to us. Sometimes, this is very easy, especially of the other person has used feeling words to tell us the emotions they are feeling. At other timers, we may need to take a guess at what they might be feeling and check in with them about it.

In my previous post, I used the example of a therapy client telling me “Sometimes it seems like you don’t like me very much.” You can read my previous post to see how I explored using the Disarming Technique to respond to this statement. For now, let’s take a look at how I could use Thought and Feeling Empathy to respond. Here’s one version of what I could say:

“Oh, wow, you just said that it sometimes seems like I don’t like you very much. I think you are probably feeling hurt, annoyed and maybe even a little angry with me.”

Thought and Feeling Empathy make up one of the Five Secrets of Effective Communication. Out of context it may sound relatively simple or like it would have little effectiveness. In practice it can be challenging, highly effective and profound. I invite you to give it a try. In your own life, try using Thought and Feeling Empathy even when you are not in a moment of conflict with someone. For example, I might be standing in line at the grocery store, and a person might say to me, “Wow, it’s so beautiful outside today.” I could try practicing Thought and Feeling Empathy by saying “You’re noticing it’s really beautiful outside today. That probably makes you feel really great.” Give this a try and see how people respond. Then, imagine how powerful Thought and Feeling Empathy could be in a moment of conflict with someone you are very close with.

If you would like to learn more about Thought and Feeling Empathy and the Five Secrets of Effective Communication, please consider reading “Feeling Good Together” by Dr. David Burns, and checking out free resources on his website, www.FeelingGood.com, including his wonderful Feeling Good Podcast. If you are interested in personal, in-depth work with the TEAM Interpersonal Model, you can schedule a free 15-minute consultation with me to explore the possibility of working with me in therapy.

In my next post, I will continue to explore the E = Empathy part of the EAR model, with the third secret: Inquiry.

Five Secrets Of Effective Communication-Part 1: The Disarming Technique

In a previous post, Talk with Your E-A-R, I introduced the E-A-R framework of the Five Secrets of Effective Communication, in which we use Empathy, Assertiveness and Respect to use relationship conflicts as opportunities to grow closer. Imagine there is someone you have a conflict with and you want to have a better relationship with them. If you are willing to do the hard work to improve the relationship, including looking at your own role in the problem, there is a huge opportunity to transform the relationship into a close, warm, joyful, more intimate one. This is the purpose of  the Five Secrets of Effective Communication.

Let’s look at the E = Empathy part of E-A-R. Empathy is so important that three of the five secrets fall under this category. The first Secret is called The Disarming Technique. In his book “Feeling Good Together,” Dr. David Burns defines the Disarming Technique as a way to find some truth in what the other person is saying, even if they are being unreasonable or unfair. There is something about hearing the words “You’re right” or “I totally agree with you” that can cause a person to lower their guard and feel less negative towards us. Like all of The Five Secrets, disarming is simple to understand but often difficult to put into practice. To disarm effectively, we need to always remember the R = Respect part of E-A-R. In fact, respect must be used with all of the five secrets if they are to be effective. To disarm effectively, we often need to look underneath the surface of the literal words a person is saying in order to find a deeper meaning– something true we can agree with. I’ll try to bring this to life with an example of a possible conflict I might have with a therapy client.

Let’s imagine that a client I am working with is feeling hurt by some things I have said and says this to me: “Kevin, sometimes it seems like you don’t like me very much.” This would be so hard to hear! It would be very challenging to respond to this effectively. Like most people, my first instinct would be to say something like “Oh, no that’s not true! I like you very much!” However, if I said that, I would be making a pretty big mistake and lose an opportunity to build a better relationship with this client. But how can I effectively disarm this statement? It would not be respectful or effective to literally agree and say something like “You’re right! I don’t like you very much sometimes.” Ouch! That’s not only hurtful but also probably not true. Disarming, like all of the Five Secrets, is only helpful if it is actually true and something I really agree with. So, how do I solve this problem? The client just told me it sometimes seems like I don’t like them very much. How do I find the truth in this?

Well, let’s try to put ourselves in the shoes of this client. If they feel like I, as their therapist, do not like them, what have I probably not done very well? It’s likely that I have not done a good job listening to them and providing them the empathy, warmth and support they need from a therapist. This is something I can find truth in, agree with and use for disarming. Imagine how much more effective it would be if instead of saying “That’s not true! I do like you!” I say something like “That’s really hard for me to hear. I can see that I haven’t done a very good job of listening to you, or giving you the empathy and support you need.” I would be finding the truth in what they are saying and agreeing with them that I have let them down. Now, I have an opportunity to use more of the Five Secrets to repair this relationship and possibly take our work together to a whole new level.

In my next blog post, I will explore how the second secret, Thought and Feeling Empathy, can be used to communicate even more effectively in the example of the therapy client described above.

Are you interested in learning to use The FIve Secrets of Effective Communication to improve your own relationships? Click here to schedule a free 15-minute consultation with me.

My Appearance on The Feeling Good Podcast

I recently had the good fortune to be the guest on an episode of The Feeling Good Podcast with Dr. David Burns and Dr. Rhonda Barovsky. Click here to hear David, Rhonda and me discuss how testing can be used to help patients recover rapidly.

Talk with Your E-A-R

In my last post, I mentioned using effective communication skills for improving relationships. If you want to have a closer relationship with someone, try talking with your E-A-R: E = Empathy, A = Assertiveness and R = Respect. By empathy, I mean trying to see the conflict or problem from the point of view of the other person. By assertiveness, I mean directly and honestly sharing your own feelings about the problem. A genuine sense of respect for the person you want to get closer to must be conveyed throughout the interaction— especially when there is a conflict or the other person is feeling a lot of pain. Within this E-A-R framework are the Five Secrets of Effective Communication. The Five Secrets and the E-A-R concept were created by Dr. David Burns. You can learn a lot about these tools by reading his book “Feeling Good Together,” and visiting his website, www.feelinggood.com.

What are the Five Secrets? Let’s consider the secrets that are found within E = Empathy:

Secret 1) The Disarming Technique

Secret 2) Thought and Feeling Empathy

Secret 3) Inquiry

The Disarming Technique simply means finding the truth in what the other person is saying, even if they are being unreasonable or unfair. Thought Empathy is repeating back to a person what you heard them say with at least 95% accuracy, and trying to use as much of the words they used as you can remember. Feeling Empathy involves acknowledging the feelings the person may have said they have, or taking a guess at how the person may be feeling based on what they have said to you. Inquiry involves asking gentle, probing questions that invite the other person to tell you more about their feelings, even when they feel negatively towards you.

Within A = Empathy, we have the next secret:

Secret 4) “I Feel” Statements

“I feel” statements are quite simple, although sometimes difficult to share. You simply say “I feel _________,” filling in the blank with the emotion words you are having. For example, “I feel sad,” or “I’m feeling defensive,” etc.

Within R = Respect is:

Secret 5) Stroking (sometimes called “Affirming”)

Stroking is saying something genuinely positive about the other person, even in the heat of a conflict. There is no set formula for stroking, it just involves you sharing your honest, positive feelings for the other person. For example, you might say “I really love you and your feelings are very important to me,” or “I admire the way you’ve been handling so much of the work around the house,” or “I think you are very thoughtful and kind.”

In future posts, I’ll explore each of the five secrets with examples of using them effectively as well as pitfalls to avoid. I highly recommend episodes 65-70 of The Feeling Good Podcast for fantastic teaching about using these communication tools.

How to Help a Teen with Depression

Parents of teens with depression often have a difficult challenge. You may notice that your child is especially irritable or sad, has a lack of energy, and is no longer interested in things they used to enjoy. Maybe they are struggling with procrastination or they’re isolating themselves and seem lonely. Often, a teen with depression falls behind in school and their grades start slipping. These things can be very alarming to parents! You may be used to stepping in to help when your child is in trouble. However, a depressed teen may push back, strongly, when parents try to help. A dilemma I see in my office often is a parent who has a distant and high-conflict relationship with a depressed teen that has developed because of a loving desire on the part of the parent to help their child feel better. Often, the teenager is angry, hurt, and in need of support from their parents. Parents sometimes ask me “What am I supposed to do? I can’t just leave my child alone, they are clearly suffering! But when I try to help and offer suggestions they become so angry and we get into a fight that just makes things worse.”

A parent in this situation is often suffering, too. They love their child and want to be there for them. They may be struggling with their own fears or sadness about what their child is going through. When parents come to me for therapy regarding these problems, I spend time listening and empathizing with their experience. I want to try and see this problem through their eyes and imagine what it is like for them to not only see their child suffering, but to have their child get angry and shut their parents out when parents try to help. When the parents can confirm that I understand their problems and I have given them the support and understanding they need, I explore any good reasons they may have for continuing to do things the way they have been and to not use the kind of help I have to offer.

The truth is, the help I have to offer a person in this situation is inherently unfair. That’s because I would only be able to help them change how they are handling the problem, rather than focusing on what can be done to get their child to behave differently. Often, parents are dismayed by the behavior of their teen who has depression. They have a lengthy list of behaviors they see that are making the problem worse and worse. I would agree that the teen really has a lot of things they could be doing differently to change things. But the parent is the person who is coming to me for help, not their child. Therefore, I can only focus on what the parent could do differently. To work with me, a parent would need to be willing to only look at how they are contributing to the problem in the relationship with their child. In fact, they will have to take a sometimes painful look at how they are actually causing their child to treat them in the ways they don’t like. This requires a death of the ego that can be extremely difficult. For the parent who is willing to experience this ego death, the benefits available are beautiful. They can transform the painful, frustrating, sad and lonely relationship with their loved one into a relationship of joy and love.

Let’s say a parent decides they want to work with me on this problem, even though it will be unfair and challenging for them. The first step will probably be to complete what’s called a Blame Cost-Benefit Analysis. This is a simple and powerful tool created by Dr. David Burns to bring to light all the good reasons for continuing to blame the other person for the problems in a relationship, and all of the disadvantages of doing this. You can see an example of a complete Blame Cost-Benefit Analysis at this link to Dr. Burns’ website. You can also listen to an excellent episode of Dr. Burns’ Feeling Good Podcast on the topic of addressing resistance to changing one’s own behavior in a relationship at this link. If after a parent completes the Blame Cost-Benefit Analysis they discover that the disadvantages of blaming their teen outweigh the advantages, I will offer them the tools of the Interpersonal Model of TEAM Therapy. A great place to start is learning the Five Secrets of Effective Communication. You can listen to an excellent Feeling Good Podcast episode that introduces the Five Secrets at this link.

Why do we focus on effective communication when a parent is asking how to help a teen with depression? We do this because of a paradox of relationships: The urge to solve problems is the cause of most relationship problems. The refusal to solve problems is usually the solution. At first, this sounds like confusing nonsense. “My child is in trouble! They need help! How can refusing to help them solve their problem be the answer? They need to get out of their room and do something!” Well, hear me out and see what you think.

If you want to have a closer, more satisfying relationship with your teenager, the biggest change you can make is to stop problem-solving and start communicating effectively. In the book “Feeling Good Together,” Dr. Burns teaches that if you want to communicate better, learn to talk with your EAR. In other words, do more listening than talking! Specifically, talking with your EAR means using three things: Empathy, Assertiveness and Respect.

In future blog posts, I will explore the E-A-R model and the Five Secrets of Effective Communication in more detail. If you are interested in learning more about the Five Secrets, check out Dr. Burns’ book “Feeling Good Together.” You can also get fantastic information on how to use the Five Secrets for free by listening to The Feeling Good Podcast. Try starting with episodes 65-70, which focus on the Five Secrets of Effective Communication and then explore the rest of the episodes to find other topics that are relevant to you.

To learn more about ways to help a teenager who is suffering from depression, check out the book “The Antidepressant Book” by Dr. Jacob Towery.

If your teenager is interested in therapy, you are welcome to schedule a free 15-minute consultation with me. This is an opportunity for me to get to know what your child would like help with in therapy and for me to show them the type of help I have to offer. If we agree that therapy with me could be a good fit for their problems, we can move forward with assessment, goal-setting and treatment.

Dealing with Anger in Relationships

How to Deal With Anger in Relationships | Psychology Today

In this article, the author makes excellent points about the ways we often damage our relationships with unhelpful ways of dealing with our anger. "A perceived lack of care or love leads to hurt…and hurt leads to sorrow…and being stuck in a place of hurt and sorrow leads to frustration, a desire to retaliate, anger, and aggression. And on it goes…but it never gets you what you want." In TEAM-CBT, we look at our responsibility for creating the relationship problems that are bothering us. It can be especially helpful to look at how our "should statements" about others can be questioned, which can be a way of cooling our anger. I work with individuals and couples who are interested in learning how they can change their own communication style in order to create the loving, satisfying relationships they want. Are you interested in learning more? Book a free consultation now.

What is TEAM-CBT?

TEAM-CBT is a structure for what makes psychotherapy effective, created and developed by Dr. David Burns. TEAM has two meanings: 1) We are a team, working together to help you achieve your goals in therapy. 2) It is an acronym for what we we are doing in your therapy sessions— T = Testing, E = Empathy, A = Assessment of Resistance and M = Methods.

T = TESTING

I use testing before and after every therapy session. The Brief Mood Survey I use checks to see how you are feeling by assessing your levels of Depression, Suicidal Urges, Anxiety, Anger, Positive Feelings and Relationship Satisfaction. You take the Brief Mood Survey before your session to help us both understand how you are feeling. We will discuss the scores on your survey and you will be able to tell me some details about how you are feeling. You will take the same survey after your session, so we can see how things went in the session. Did you feel better after the session? Are you getting better over the course of several sessions? This information is essential for us to adjust your treatment to make it personalized and as effective as possible for you. After your session, you will also provide an Evaluation of the Therapy Session. You’ll rate the truth of statements like “My therapist was warm, supportive and concerned,” “My therapist understood how I felt inside,” “The techniques we used were helpful,” and “I learned some new ways to deal with my problems.” You’ll also answer open ended questions like “What did you like least about the session,” and “What did you like best about the session?” The Evaluation of Therapy Session survey helps me understand what is and is not working in your treatment so I can adjust your treatment accordingly.

E = EMPATHY

The relationship you have with your therapist is a powerful part of psychotherapy treatment. It is important that I am trustworthy, understanding and supportive. I will take time in your session to understand as best I can the problems you are seeking help with in your therapy. Empathy is an essential element of therapy— without it, your treatment can feel cold, calculated and unsatisfying. This is why we put a big emphasis on creating a great relationship of understanding and trust.

A = ASSESSMENT OF RESISTANCE

Most therapy patients come to treatment because they are seeking big changes in their lives. You may want to feel happier or less afraid. Why would anyone resist feeling better? Yet, resistance is something that is present in almost all therapy sessions. in TEAM therapy, we take a unique approach to resistance that is powerful and effective. Our way of assessing and addressing resistance is what really sets TEAM apart from other kinds of therapy and makes it so powerful and effective. We ask, what if your negative feelings and the thoughts that cause them are not a sign of things that are wrong with you, but an important representation of things that are right with you? How are your feelings and thoughts helping you and what do they show about you and your values that is truly positive and even beautiful? We bring all of these things to conscious awareness and I take the side of resistance, putting you in the position of convincing me that you would want to feel better. The tools of Assessment of Resistance help you become aware of how your symptoms are helping you. When you can make a strong argument for changing anyway, then the Methods of therapy we use will have the chance be very successful very quickly.

M = Methods

I have over 100 Methods of TEAM-CBT available to help you change the way you feel by changing the way you think and behave. TEAM-CBT is an evidence-based practice, meaning that I only use therapy tools that have scientific evidence that shows the tools work. You can read details about most of the tools I use in therapy in Dr. Burns’ books, such as his latest book “Feeling Great: The Revolutionary New Treatment for Depression and Anxiety.” You can also get great information about the tools of TEAM-CBT on “The Feeling Good Podcast” with Dr. David Burns and Dr. Rhonda Barovsky.

What is Cognitive Therapy?

The therapy I practice, TEAM-CBT, was created by Dr. David Burns, a psychiatrist who is well-known for his New York Times Bestselling book “Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy.” Dr. Burns beautifully describes the causes of depression and anxiety and how to recover from these problems in his excellent Ted Talk, which you can see at this link. To summarize, Dr. Burns wonders “Why do we get depressed? What can we do to get better?” Some people have theorized that these problems are caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain. Dr. Burns was working with patients and prescribing medications because the chemical imbalance model was considered the best treatment. However, his research showed that depression is not caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain, and that medications that supposedly changed brain chemistry did not help patients feel better. He learned of a new kind of treatment, Cognitive Therapy, developed by Dr. Aaron Beck, and began attending Dr. Beck’s weekly seminar. He learned that Cognitive Therapy has three main components: 1) Thoughts cause all of our moods, not events; 2) The negative thoughts that lead to depression and anxiety are deeply flawed and distorted; 3) People can change they way they think and they will immediately change the way they feel. You can watch Dr. Burns’ Ted Talk to see how these ideas were proved to be true in his work with the first patient he treated using Cognitive Therapy. He also tells a powerful personal story that illustrated the power of Cognitive Therapy from an experience in his own life.