Five Secrets of Effective Communication-Part 2: Thought and Feeling Empathy

Previously, I wrote about the Interpersonal Model of TEAM Therapy, and how we can use Empathy, Assertiveness and Respect with the Five Secrets of Effective Communication to transform unsatisfying relationships of conflict and pain into close, more intimate, deeply satisfying relationships. Please read my previous posts to learn more about Talking with your EAR and The Disarming Technique. Today, I am continuing to explore E = Empathy of the EAR model by looking at the second of the Five Secrets of Effective Communication: Thought and Feeling Empathy.

First, let’s talk bout what I mean by empathy. When I talk about empathy, I mean the ability to put oneself in the shoes of another person and see the world from their point of view. When using The Five Secrets, Dr. David Burns, renowned psychiatrist and author of “Feeling Good Together,” separates empathy into two types— Thought Empathy and Feeling Empathy. Thought Empathy involves listening to another person so well that you could repeat what they have said with at least 95% accuracy. This is very different than what most people do, especially when we are in the heat of an argument with another person. Usually, if we are in conflict, especially if the other person is criticizing us, we are probably thinking of ways to defend ourselves and are really just waiting for a pause in what the other person is saying so we can jump in to defend ourselves and point out that the other person is wrong. With Thought Empathy, we are making a focused effort to do something very different— to be able to repeat back to another person exactly what they have said to us, without any interpretation or attempt to change their minds. This helps the other person know that we understand where they are coming from, or that we are at least making the effort to really hear them because of a sincere interest in really understanding them. Feeling Empathy involves imagining what the other person is probably feeling given what they have just said to us. Sometimes, this is very easy, especially of the other person has used feeling words to tell us the emotions they are feeling. At other timers, we may need to take a guess at what they might be feeling and check in with them about it.

In my previous post, I used the example of a therapy client telling me “Sometimes it seems like you don’t like me very much.” You can read my previous post to see how I explored using the Disarming Technique to respond to this statement. For now, let’s take a look at how I could use Thought and Feeling Empathy to respond. Here’s one version of what I could say:

“Oh, wow, you just said that it sometimes seems like I don’t like you very much. I think you are probably feeling hurt, annoyed and maybe even a little angry with me.”

Thought and Feeling Empathy make up one of the Five Secrets of Effective Communication. Out of context it may sound relatively simple or like it would have little effectiveness. In practice it can be challenging, highly effective and profound. I invite you to give it a try. In your own life, try using Thought and Feeling Empathy even when you are not in a moment of conflict with someone. For example, I might be standing in line at the grocery store, and a person might say to me, “Wow, it’s so beautiful outside today.” I could try practicing Thought and Feeling Empathy by saying “You’re noticing it’s really beautiful outside today. That probably makes you feel really great.” Give this a try and see how people respond. Then, imagine how powerful Thought and Feeling Empathy could be in a moment of conflict with someone you are very close with.

If you would like to learn more about Thought and Feeling Empathy and the Five Secrets of Effective Communication, please consider reading “Feeling Good Together” by Dr. David Burns, and checking out free resources on his website, www.FeelingGood.com, including his wonderful Feeling Good Podcast. If you are interested in personal, in-depth work with the TEAM Interpersonal Model, you can schedule a free 15-minute consultation with me to explore the possibility of working with me in therapy.

In my next post, I will continue to explore the E = Empathy part of the EAR model, with the third secret: Inquiry.