Talk with Your E-A-R

In my last post, I mentioned using effective communication skills for improving relationships. If you want to have a closer relationship with someone, try talking with your E-A-R: E = Empathy, A = Assertiveness and R = Respect. By empathy, I mean trying to see the conflict or problem from the point of view of the other person. By assertiveness, I mean directly and honestly sharing your own feelings about the problem. A genuine sense of respect for the person you want to get closer to must be conveyed throughout the interaction— especially when there is a conflict or the other person is feeling a lot of pain. Within this E-A-R framework are the Five Secrets of Effective Communication. The Five Secrets and the E-A-R concept were created by Dr. David Burns. You can learn a lot about these tools by reading his book “Feeling Good Together,” and visiting his website, www.feelinggood.com.

What are the Five Secrets? Let’s consider the secrets that are found within E = Empathy:

Secret 1) The Disarming Technique

Secret 2) Thought and Feeling Empathy

Secret 3) Inquiry

The Disarming Technique simply means finding the truth in what the other person is saying, even if they are being unreasonable or unfair. Thought Empathy is repeating back to a person what you heard them say with at least 95% accuracy, and trying to use as much of the words they used as you can remember. Feeling Empathy involves acknowledging the feelings the person may have said they have, or taking a guess at how the person may be feeling based on what they have said to you. Inquiry involves asking gentle, probing questions that invite the other person to tell you more about their feelings, even when they feel negatively towards you.

Within A = Empathy, we have the next secret:

Secret 4) “I Feel” Statements

“I feel” statements are quite simple, although sometimes difficult to share. You simply say “I feel _________,” filling in the blank with the emotion words you are having. For example, “I feel sad,” or “I’m feeling defensive,” etc.

Within R = Respect is:

Secret 5) Stroking (sometimes called “Affirming”)

Stroking is saying something genuinely positive about the other person, even in the heat of a conflict. There is no set formula for stroking, it just involves you sharing your honest, positive feelings for the other person. For example, you might say “I really love you and your feelings are very important to me,” or “I admire the way you’ve been handling so much of the work around the house,” or “I think you are very thoughtful and kind.”

In future posts, I’ll explore each of the five secrets with examples of using them effectively as well as pitfalls to avoid. I highly recommend episodes 65-70 of The Feeling Good Podcast for fantastic teaching about using these communication tools.