Five Secrets of Effective Communication Part 4:“I Feel” Statements

In this series of blog posts, I have been discussing the Five Secrets of Effective Communication— powerful skills to help make relationships closer and more satisfying. Previously, I have written about The Disarming Technique, Thought and Feeling Empathy, and Inquiry. In this post, I am discussing the fourth secret: “I Feel” Statements.

The Five Secrets are a part of the Interpersonal Model of TEAM-CBT. In this model we use the Five Secrets of Effective Communication, which can be easily understood within the EAR framework (Empathy, Assertiveness and Respect). The first three secrets fall into the category of E = Empathy: The Disarming Technique, Thought and Feeling Empathy, and Inquiry. Next, we have A = Assertiveness. The secret that falls into this category is “I Feel” Statements. It’s important to note that we are not talking about “Assertiveness Training,” where we stand up for or defend ourselves. When we say “Assertiveness” we mean being open and honest about our own feelings. This involves saying things like “I’m feeling sad,” or “I’m angry right now.” It’s best to keep “I Feel” Statements simple, specific and limited to emotion words, like happy, sad, frustrated, scared, depressed, anxious, etc. A common error most people make is to say a thought when trying to express an emotion. For example, I might say to someone “I feel like you never listen to me!” This is actually a thought, not a feeling. When I tell myself “You never listen to me,” that probably makes me feel things like angry, hurt, sad, frustrated, lonely, or resentful. So, if I am going to share my feelings openly with someone I care about, I’ll be more successful if I use “I” statements rather than “you” statements, and if I share my actual feelings.

But, why? Why is it important to share our feelings openly and honestly? I think it’s important to keep in mind that the Five Secrets are not a guide for how to communicate with everyone at all times. These powerful tools are meant to be used with very important people in our lives with whom we want to have closer, more intimate relationships. We use “I Feel” Statements to openly and honestly share our most personal, sometimes vulnerable and tender feelings with people we care about. Hiding our honest feelings can put up a barrier between ourselves and the people we love. Sharing feelings, even negative feelings, openly, honestly and respectfully can bring us closer and help make our relationships more intimate and satisfying.

The Five Secrets of Effective Communication were created by Dr. David Burns and are taught beautifully in his book “Feeling Good Together.” You can learn a lot about the Five Secrets, and other TEAM-CBT tools, at Dr. Burns’ website: www.feeling good.com.

Are you interested in working with me to create closer, more satisfying relationships? The first step is to schedule a free consultation by clicking here.